You have to believe, against the scornful trumpeting of your intellect, in the miraculous ability of form to create itself out of chaos. You have to hold the line through all the wretched days, months, even years that you spend not writing – doing anything but write: “wasting time”, indulging in displacement activities, wandering about pointlessly, biting people’s heads off, seething with anxiety and self-reproach. You have to believe that you’re preparing the ground for something to manifest out of the darkness, to present itself, to be born. Having already gone through this process countless times does not help. You forget, every single time, that it’s coming at you. The anxiety, the self-reproach are always total, unremitting, inescapable. You have to submit to it, allow yourself to suffer it, right to the end.
How melodramatic it sounds. Almost laughable. But every writer I know would recognise that description, and shudder.
So perhaps, after all, it would be a relief if it never came to me again, that sharp little secret arrow. Do I really miss it, or am I glad to be spared? Will I be spared?
I felt confused a lot of the time, dazed by the speed at which the world was moving, simultaneously befuddled by and bored with the digital universe. I felt an ambient intellectual exhaustion pretty much constantly. I woke up feeling hungover even if I’d had no alcohol for days. I felt dizzy while sitting perfectly still. I was often certain that it was one p.m. even it it was six p.m. I felt blindsided by time itself.
Inspirée par le blogue de Karl que je retrouve avec grand plaisir ces jours-ci, et stimulée par le concept du 100 Days To Offload, il me reprend des envies de publier ici… J’aurais cependant envie d’une publication à l’accès plus limité qu’à l’époque de l’âge d’or des blogues. J’ai envie de retrouver plusieurs d’entre vous, mais sans pour autant m’ouvrir « au monde ». Vous comprenez ce que je veux dire? Illusoire? Une newsletter serait plus appropriée?
Pardonnez-moi. Je réfléchis tout haut. La pandémie nous fait faire de bien drôles de choses.